Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
I’m soy
into you.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.