What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
I only have ice for you!
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
You are un-beer-lievable!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.