I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"