My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
I have bean thinking about you.