Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
Goat milk?
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.