Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
Shave a single shingle thin.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.