Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
In on the ground flora.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
"I mead more wine."
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Shave a single shingle thin.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.