Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Herb your enthusiasm.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
I whale always love you.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.