What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Paddy like a rockstar.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.