Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
This summer is going swimmingly.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.