What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I beg your garden?
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
"You make me egg-static."
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Yoda one for me!
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.