Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Rebel without a Claus.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
All farts...are laughing gas.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.