How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!