What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
We’re calling your number.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"