What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Just brew it!
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.