I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
You raise the bar.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
The ocean made me salty.