As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
"Sip happens."
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.