Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."