Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
"No eggs-cuses."
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.