Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.