The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
You snow the drill.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’