What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
The boot black brought the black boot back.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Your presents is requested.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!