How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Trowel and error.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
You sleigh me.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"