What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
I whale always love you.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Dublin’ the fun.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.