Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
We bee-long together.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.