Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
"Just don't carrot all."
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.