I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
I beacha miss summer already!
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.