There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
My moment in the sun.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Icy what you did there.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?