I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Dublin’ the fun.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.