Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Don't worry, bee happy!
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
The snuggle is real.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
It was mitten in the stars.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
Broken pencils are pointless.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.