My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
Snow on and snow forth.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
We’re a perfect mash.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!