Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
You are un-beer-lievable!
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.