Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
You’re wine in a million.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
I only have ice for you.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.