What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
Get in the swim this summer.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix