Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Let me plant one on ya!
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.