Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.