“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
How rude-olf of you.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.