What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.