What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light