Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
He’s my pinch charming.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
I love you meow and forever.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"