What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!