What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
You make miso happy.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
"Partners in wine."
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Can’t pinch this.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.