What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
It takes one to snow one.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.