The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
French people give me the crepes.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.