What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
The weather outside is snow joke.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon