Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Long thyme no see.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.