Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.