"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
I think you're mer-mazing.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
"For peep's sake."
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Time to spruce things up.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.