What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
You make miso happy.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Witch you were here.