My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
We’re mint to be.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
"You make me egg-static."
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.