The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
We are mint to be.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!