My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
You’re brew-tiful!
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.