My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Icy what you did there.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”