Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Fairies just wand to have fun.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey