Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
This foundation is rock salad.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.